Productive Arguing
Conflict is natural in any close relationship whether with friends, family, colleagues or in couples or parenting. Disputes can be related to differing opinions or an emotional conflict between the two parties. Healthy people DO argue but how they argue makes all the difference. Hashing out an issue should not be about who has the superior retorts to win a point, but really about two-way problem solving that protects the connection. If done with finesse, working through conflict can actually strengthen bonds by carefully preserving trust and mutual respect in a relationship.
When we create a safe environment where one feels free to express themselves without fear, clearer messages are conveyed. When the facts are known, it saves time and energy to accurately resolve the issue. But we must stay calm to be able to use good judgments in our delivery of information; it is the manner in which we say our words that will determine how it will be received. Rather than allowing frustration to take hold, learn to recognize when you are getting too angry to be a mindful debater by taking a time out to calm down. No one listens or is able to articulate well when their flight and fight is overly stimulated. If damaging statements are made in the heat of the moment, using repair attempts after a conflict displays a sense of commitment. These efforts to mend the harmful assertion are more effective when offered with sincerity early in the argument, “I’m sorry about saying it that way; I was out of line.”
Recognizing and accepting others’ feelings benefits a relationship in the long run. If you validate the other person’s emotions, it does not mean that you agree with them, but it does demonstrate good faith in trying to understand their side of the matter. Even in tough moments, feeling seen, heard and important fosters a sense of closeness. This effort shows caring for the other and positions them to be more open to hearing your views. Now there is more acceptance with a flow of communication and better chance at solving issues. Example, “I feel shy too when meeting new people, but it would be a nice gesture to introduce yourself to the new neighbors.”
Starting a statement with “I” shows you are taking responsibility for your thoughts and emotions keeping others from feeling attacked and defensive. Example, “You always leave me out of things,” vs. “I feel hurt when you make plans without first talking to me.” The initial statement sounds accusatory and more likely to start a fight when the other person takes a defensive posture. The second statement asserts ownership for a negative emotional reaction and almost asks for assistance. There is science backing “I” statements as a good communication skill https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5961625/
Avoid fixed ideas that include words such as ‘never’ and ‘always’ in an argument, as those accused may take a protective stance. Examples of absolute statements are, “You never listen to me,” or “You always get too loud when we socialize.” This puts the other party in a position to challenge the accuracy of your extreme declaration and to question the underlying reasons for making the claim, such as an attempt to invalidate their side.
No matter how constructive your arguments are, some matters are unresolvable. It may just be a matter of personality differences in perspective, not about who is wrong or right. In this case, conflicts just need to be managed instead of settled. Let us say you and a partner are deciding on a color to paint a room, but you have widely differing tastes. To save time debating and risking hurt feelings, ask the question, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this room color to you?” Whoever feels the strongest makes the choice with the other’s permission. This clears confusion and preserves the all-important relationship. Accepting others’ differing views with affection and humor can keep a deadlock from occurring. People and our connections with them are more important than ego-satisfying wins that end up damaging long-term ties.
Ways to preserve trust, respect and connection in disagreements:
1. Remain emotionally regulated in the discussion or pause the interaction
until calmer
2. Use specific, problem-based language rather than personal attacks; focus
on the issue not the person
3. Invite empathy by using “I” statements that shifts blame away from
others to maintain open communication
4. Be curious by asking questions to clarify what a partner wants to
demonstrate caring and understanding
5. Toxic reactions to conflict are exhibiting contempt, being defensive and
stonewalling the other
6. Apologies, explanations and emotional connection after a dispute can
aid in repairing the damaged attachment
7. Think of yourselves as a supportive problem-solving team for the highest
good of both (not one vs the other)
The next time you find yourself in an argument, remember what is really at stake. Choosing to fight fairly will pay off in the long run with healthier, happier relationships.