What is perfectionism? What it is NOT is having high standards or striving intensely to achieve a goal. Perfectionism can corner you when you feel frozen by the possibility of making a mistake, as it creates a painfully narrow view of life. It may be better to strive for excellence rather than perfection. A state of excellence requires efficiency using less time and effort and is associated with academic improvement, future success and better life satisfaction. A perfectionist’s wellbeing is at stake when they hold themselves to inflexibly high standards.

People who cannot accept mistakes may behave in the following ways:
1. Has to always set their own rules
2. Blames others for their mistakes
3. Says unhelpful things about themselves
4. Has trouble making decisions
5. Makes a project way too complex in an attempt to be ‘the best’
6. Procrastinates to a last minute, as the work is never good enough
7. Always takes over projects and insist that things be done their way
8. Over-focuses on what’s wrong instead of noticing a positive side
9. Gives up too soon without really trying

Perfectionism in the Young

Did you know that perfectionistic anxiety paralyzes our youth to the extent that they are fearful of new experiences and challenges? This avoidance behavior ultimately limits their ability to meet a normal developmental trajectory. A study has shown that there is a rise in perfectionism for young people, especially among college students. Pressure from parents, in the form of higher expectations and taking a critical stance toward their children, has continued to increase since the 1980’s. One contributing factor may be residing in a ‘driven’ culture that effects parents and kids alike. “Parents are not to blame because they’re reacting anxiously to a hyper-competitive world with ferocious academic pressures, runaway inequality and technological innovations like social media that propagate unrealistic ideals of how we should appear and perform,” (Curran, T., 2022).

I have gradually seen this issue progress in my own practice with college students, as well as elementary and middle schoolers. By the time these kids come to treatment, it is heartbreaking to see how anxious they have made themselves. Take for instance a child realizing the brand-new challenge of public speaking. Instead of the important basics of learning to write an outline, how to memorize notecards or stay focused during a speech, one child was more concerned about how highly she would rank in her class of peers or if she would be chosen for an internal/external school competition. What she demanded of herself was an exceptionally elevated level of performance, in excess of what was actually required by the situation. Anxiety is certainly not an optimal state in which to memorize new material or perform. Or the brilliant boy who cannot work in groups or dyads, as he has great difficulty compromising his rigid beliefs for how best to solve a problem. The issue here was that he had to always take over to set the rules and ensure that things be done his particular way. Not really the best way to make and keep friends.

What is causing kids to be so self-critical? To gain positive acceptance from parents (and status with peers,) kids feel they must BE the best and globally score high marks both in school and all other activities. This idea leads kids to anxiety that creates a real problem in daily functioning, which is how they arrive to therapy. To get approval that elevates self-esteem, some children focus all their drive into one area at which they think they excel. When kids evade their fears of not being good enough in areas where they struggle, it culminates in deficits relating to a lack of well-rounded exposure.

Schools play a part in the rise of perfectionism related to the emphasis on standardized testing that divides and ranks our kids into classes, sets and even certain colleges. Since our cost of living has risen steeply, young people currently must achieve even more to earn the same manner of living their parents have attained. Social media has played an unhelpful role when kids self-compare to a wide range of others to see how they measure up within their interest group.

What can be done to address this problem?

Encourage kids to try new things and give attention for effort, not simply superior results.

Acknowledge a child’s effort rather than giving attention only for higher achievements.
Support kids to review their work and it being normal to start over if not correct.
Advise kids that they will gain valuable knowledge for skill improvement from their mistakes.
For those who procrastinate, modify the goal from flawlessness to completion of a project.
Be present to provide encouragement if they are judged at a lower level than expected.
Help kids identify negative internalization about performance and to use supportive self-talk.
Model kindness toward yourself about the mistakes you make as an adult in front of children.

Suzette Turner-Clark, LCSW-S, RPT/S, RYT-200